Need Help Dealing with Shame? Stop Avoiding It.

 
 

Shame: by its nature it’s something we avoid looking at it at all costs.

Instead we relegate it to the locked chest in the back of our minds. Then we cover the chest with a blanket so we can’t even see that. The problem: while it’s sitting there it’s slowly but constantly eating away at our sense of worthiness. It never stops. On occasion when we are feeling particularly undeserving the chest bursts open Jack-in-the-Box style so we can use that shame as evidence proving our worthlessness.

So, how can you manage shame? First- let’s tackle guilt. This is a kind of shame we attach to something we did or did not do.

Meet yourself where you were at. You are looking at it as you are now- with years of learning separating who you are now to who you were then. That’s not how life works.

Be your own therapist here- ask yourself: what was really happening for you in that moment?

  • What were your initial emotional motivations?

  • What were you feeling? Fear? Sadness? Anger?

  • Could you think straight?

  • What DIDN’T you know and what resources DIDN’T you have?

What does this look like in practice?

Here is a personal example (yep, even your mental health professional struggles with shame). When we lost our first dog I felt entirely responsible for it. I had taken him to the vet for allergy issues and he was prescribed monthly steroid shots. I was hesitant but my vet assured me his life would be so much more comfortable- so I caved. After a few months he had a seizure- I rushed him to a late night ER and then back to his usual vet in the morning. I heard nothing. So much time was wasted. Finally I asked my vet where he would take his dog in this situation. Then I packed that pup up and we were gone. He was in so much pain. We found out too late that the steroid shots had caused an avalanche of problems. If he was going to make it his life was going to be a hard one. I fought for that chance anyway but he never came home.

The guilt consumed me. Finally I asked myself: what was really happening?

  • What were my initial motivations? I just wanted him to be happy and I trusted my vet.

  • What was I feeling? Terrified, desperation, overwhelmed, confusion.

  • Could I think straight? Not at all. I was in a state of pure, unrefined panic.

  • What didn’t I know? Everything. I’m a therapist- I don’t know anything about pet medicine. And I definitely didn’t have the wherewithal at the time to do research let alone be able to process it.

Looking back on myself in that way I realized: I did the best with what I had at that time. All of my ‘mistakes’ came from a love for my dog, sheer terror and a lack of knowledge. Now I know: always get 3 opinions. Get pet insurance. Never be afraid to fire your vet. But, I can’t look at myself then and say “you should have known these things”. Of course I didn’t- that nightmare was how I learned them.

It was not my fault that this happened. That is not how it works.

This happened and I responded the best that I could at the time. It is no different for you. The thing that you are ashamed of- where were you really at? Were you scared? Could you think straight? What were your emotional motivations? What knowledge do you have now that you didn’t have then?

The only way to really deal with shame is to humanize yourself, a kindness we rarely afford ourselves.

While guilt and shame are separate they are very closely tied to one another. Guilt is related to something you have done or not done. Shame is a core belief that you are not good enough or are inherently wrong. Up next we tackle shame. If you want to know when that drops follow me on facebook and keep an eye out.

Source: www.JessicaJarmanLPC.com